Spritzer-First Love

So you’re sitting in the cinema, popcorn in hand – soft drink in the other and your waiting for the movie to start, but of course this is Malaysia – so regardless if you paid RM11 for your ticket, your still forced required to watch the advertisements one after another for about 15 or more minutes before the movie starts. It’s something we’ve gotta get used too, it’s almost as though we actually paid to see these advertisements. I’m cool with a few commercials before a movie – after all where else can we promote a Heineken’s latest sing-along tune if not for a dark pitch black cinema theatre? (I enjoy watching those beer commercials by the way – I actually think their pretty creative).

Sadly, there are also moments when an ad plays and it’s so bad that it makes you want to cringe – especially when it turns out to be locally produced. You almost try to look away from the screen because you feel bad for the actors, but you still stare and watch – because your Malaysian anyway, and even if there’s a severed headless body lying on the middle of the road caused by some gruesome accident and the police and paramedics are fully aware of the situation – you will still slow down your vehicle just to have a peek. It’s in our blood.

One commercial that’s been playing non-stop in our local cinemas for a few months now that drives me crazy to no end has to be the dreaded Spritzer – First Love commercial. I can’t begin to tell you how bad this commercial is. Words can’t truly describe the puke reaction and anti-Gandhi sentiments that this minute long commercial produces. It’s almost as though they simply play this commercial to make us feel bad for buying a large coke with our popcorn.

I’m just itching to know which media advertising firm actually developed this poor piece of crap. There is completely no storyline here regardless of what the genius who wrote this almost non-existent script would tell you. It hand’s down wins for Worst Commercial of the Year and takes no prisoners.

The acting is horrible; enough to even rival some of those fully dubbed L’Oreal commercials where the model doesn’t speak a word of English but has an American accent dubbed over her voice. This commercial is so bad, it should actually be banned, everyone involved in its development should be placed under the ISA – because that’s the best place to put someone when you don’t really have a real motive to convict them with. Please also place the writer under tight security – we can’t have him writing any more bad scripts and secretly sending them out to our TV stations – I think he’s behind those damned Tongkat Ali commercials as well.

I’m still wondering, why in the blue hell does the kid actually say “This is MINE!” when it’s apparent that there are plenty of other Spritzer bottles in the fridge behind him. Is there something I’m not getting here? Anyway just for your amusement here’s a brief overview of the script you’ll see in the video above. Just for kicks, then next time you buy yourself a Spritzer bottle, look at the Anna or Taukeh at the Kedai Runcit and say “This is MINE!” with a nut job look on your face.

Script

(Corny reject boy band music plays silently in the background)

*Girls pushes trolley along what appears to be the mineral water section in a supermarket.

Girls narration: It’s you! How could I forget you?

(Flashback to a group of two kids. One Chinese boy opens a bottle of  Spritzer’s mineral water with a “I’m up to no good look” on his face, while a little girl rides on one of those little pony rides where you put in a RM1 coin to keep your kid quiet for a minute. She stares at the little boy giving him a “get your own Pony look”. Boy sips a drink from the bottle, throws the green bottle cap in the air. Bottle cap stays in the air and gives a cheap 3D rotational spin while magically still being suspended in the air)

Girls narration: My life has changed after seeing you for the first time, you gave me the best in life, you’re my inspiration.

(Back to the supermarket scene – girl spots the boy – now grown up, also at the mineral water section and wheels her trolley near him)

Girls narration: You have grown up – and you are still charming – and even better!

(Girls inches close to the grown up boy – and whispers with a slutty look on her face “This time it’s mine”)

(Flashback to the young boy and girl again, boy walks towards the little and says “This is MINE!” (Not in the same tone as King Leonidas but in a “Please punch me” look).

(Bottle Cap has enough of cheap 3D spin and decides to fall on poor little girls head – fade in white to the Spritzer logo.)

The End.